Felix The Cat Fuck

Monthly update time it seems.

I'd update more regularly but I get held up by my days on end of being angry at dickheads who piss me off and I hate. In fact I might make a post about that...

"haha shit i broke something in my pants" - Nazza

I've also been busy at trivia. It' so epic. We've won six times in a row now but I keep getting screwed. I give everyone the answers but then lose by 1 coz Scott or RJ or someone else guesses one we don't know correctly. AND EVEN BEYOND THAT, DAMN PETER SERAFINOWICZ KEEPS DENYING US SKINS WTF GAH

I'm Still great though. Last week I won four(five) vouchers (not really but i can technically say it.) A voucher for my crappy joke about Kurt Cobain which was not nearly as good as some of my GOOD ONES THAT DID'NT WIN (like "Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists" and "Member of the Family First Party.") A voucher for knowing George VI preceded our current Queen (that's right 'our', I don't like wasting millions of dollars on campaigning and transfer procedures for no apparent reason, why don't we take a dead animal and kill it instead?)

I got given the other two by Nazza (coz he doesn't eat) and Tim (he won coz I was awesome, and he got tickets to some crap shit band Nambucca Heads Infant or something anyway so didn't need the shitty little voucher for FREE FOOD YEAH.)

I did however give RJ the answer REYKJAVIK for 'spell the northernmost capital city in the world', coz you' cant win twice in random trivia.

Yeah I'm awesome. Fuck making blog posts.

Hudson: "I can't wait to play with your laptop"
Scott: "I can't wait to play with your balls."

On Wednesday some guy's joke was "Who thinks the nerds at the back of the room (aka us :) should just fuck off?" There was truly and without doubt, by far the biggest unanimous cheer from the whole room I have ever seen, including from us of course.

Ben: "You're an idiot."
Me: "You're a guy with a dick.
Ben: "That's right actually."
Me: "...A crap dick."
Ben: "Now that's untrue."
Ben: "I have a mighty penis."
Ben: "Oceans tremble to my penis."

Justin Langer called English 'fast' bowler James Anderson 'a bit of a pussy.' It's great coz James Anderson has a stupid face.

Here's a hilarious picture of Jay Leno.


The greatest thing happened on the news the other day. JIM WALEY! was going through the headlines, and as usual the sync screwed up so the 2nd story had the pictures from a later story. Unfortunately the story was about that crazy peedo Dennis Ferguson and the pictures were related to Australian politics. Here is a rough pictorial recollection of exactly what i saw.


"I'm not a huge fan of arse."- Creative writing teacher.

Then the news talked about how Kevin Rudd chose Kim Beazley to be the new US ambassador because he was "an expert on American History." So I decided I need to contact Kim Beazley and challenge him to an American History quiz, with the winner getting the post. He hasn't replied to my birdmail yet (or he did but then ate the bird as he went to let it go) so I've just presumed that I'd win and have given myself the ambassadorial title.

Media class teacher: "I want to see a really fat guy reading the news."
Me: "You'll notice that although women always have to be hot blonde bimbos, men often tend to be average looking, they don't have the same standards."
Media class teacher: "Yeah you're right but besides that, I want to see a morbidly obese person read the news. Someone massively huge and round."

That class is great. We get to look at magazines and talk about fascists like Rupert and there is an English babe in the class who basically, if I were to think about her while in a dangerous hostage situation where a detonator for a nuclear bomb were an undisclosed (although hefty) amount of centimetres in front of my crotch and my hands and feet were tied up, I would make a million people die a fiery death the instant I were to think of this woman.

And last week in class this random freaky disembodied computer voice went "It's 1:30" when it hit 1:30 and everyone cracked up. The crazy Microsoft Sam proceeded to remind everyone when it was 1:45, 2:15, 2:30 and 2:45. We never found out where it actually came from.

Me: 'It's September suit up today"
Ben: "Go as a biscuit."

I met Jim Kaston (Re: Levi)'s friend Ashleigh at Bar On The Hill trivia this week. She was pretty great. At the end she left and told me to say goodbye to Jim who was buying free foods. Three minutes later she walked serenely back in, picked up her workbook off the table, and walked silently back out, just as Jim came back and was able to yell his farewell before she was out of sight, and looked at me funny as i sat there cacking myself.

Allie: "Did Nathan ever watch double the fist.
I went to ask.
But his room was dark.
Tried to turn the light on.
But it didn't work.
Me: He's obviously touching himself.

The joke there is that that's Nazza's sister :)

Some final visual thoughts now...





"YOU SMELL LIKE POO....USE SOME LYNX....ON YOUR BUTT." - Ben

JOHN FASHANU

DAMMIT I GOT SCREWED AGAIN.

FUCK.

I'M GONNA STAB PETER SERAFINOVICZ IN HIS SERRATED HEAD.

AND WHO'S THIS GUY ON MY TAZO.

Sorry to take so long to update again, I was busy having sex with your mum.

Apparently Redsam is taking me to America next year if i can get a job. I might try and make money selling McDonalds to Michael Moore. That'd be awesome. Or working as a freelance media censorship envoy for the Jewish. I'd make so much money.

Or being an accountant.

That'd be shit.

Here's an awesome picture.

Question: What do a snowball in hell and an Indian fan of Ricky Ponting have in common? Answer: They are both non-existent entities.

I can't eat anything at uni ever because I have to stop needlessly spending arbitrary money for a year so i can afford to buy needless arbitrary souvenirs to somehow validate my own experience as a tourist because the emotional connection of man and exotic environment is insufficient within the insouciant haberdashery of modern corporatist America.

America's gonna be 'sweeeeeeet' (said with the onset falsetto ala Carter Pewterschmidt.)

"Apparently milk, tacos and BOO is not a good combination"

It's cool though coz I keep winning free lunches at trivia. The only problem with that is the god damn black guy who works in the GT bar (his guyness is what i say god damn too, not his blackness - "sexist faggot".)
He's got a strange face with a tiny mouth, and he keeps eyeing me like I'm in a normally dressed woman on the streets of Baghdad, unsure if he wants to spit at my feet for the sheer extremity of my visual offensiveness, or rape me in the butthole. I keep having to go in there to get fish and chips off him every few days.

"I"m a huge fan of arse" - Creative Writing Teacher

Me, Brickman and ScottymacP went to Bar On The Hill Trivia last week. It was even easier than normal trivia and we won again. There was this guy on the table next to us who looked like he might have been one of them gays. I hated that guy. But the week before I GOT SKINS RIGHT ALONG WITH ONE OTHER GUY AGAIN WHAT THE CRAP MAN. It wasn't actually Peter Serafinowicz guy who got it right either. And Nazza won a crappy cd of one hit wonders off Trivia Bob for having crap offspring (they're actually his sisters really but i wanted to make a joke which prefaced the band "The Offspring" with the adjective "crap." It was satisfying too.)

"What was Gulliver's occupation before he was a ship captain?"
"Neoprohibitionist"

My joke got read out at trivia last week, serving as an ultimate testament to the pysche of the average Australian young adult. As a tribute to this social phenomenon, I will title my next update with said joke. Nazza, Mit Hatscon and the nerdy guy who randomly sits with us creating the visual impression he is associated with us all won for their jokes aswell.

mrbenjaminowl says: name an image describing me?
Pin the donkey on the tale. says: 'portrait of mrbenjaminowl'
mrbenjaminowl says: ....
mrbenjaminowl says: YOU SUCK

Amazing stuff has been happening on TV (and print media!) recently. Family Guy had the episode with Cars-except-with-better-lyrics-than-Gary-NuMan-can-ever-write in it (Brian had sex. With a really dumb girl. Now he's taking his friend Stewie. To get some ice cream. In his car.)
South Park had the Richard Dawkins episode (You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!)
Scrubs had the episode with Michael J Fox (heavy.)
Godley and Creme were on my tv twice in a row!
Myles Barlow got banged in the anus by another dude.
Bob Franklin and Shaun Micallef were both in my newspaper.
TAYG showed how Hamish is a faggot.

"I took a huge shit earlier"
"I hope Will goes to the police."

Top Of The Pops tonight were showing performances by various famous dudes who used to be in bands. It was all done in pairs, first a song by a band would be shown then a subsequent solo song by the main guy (Eg, Every Breath You Take followed by some piece of shit.) Wham came on. So i asked 'What Andrew Ridgeley song do you think they'll play next?"

"If you're looking for love in all the wrong places, look out you might find me there." - Drew "Fightin Joe" Carey

As a small sneak preview of an impending editorial, here are some pictures of some assholes...

THE BALL HIT EGG IN THE FACE

Ahahah AHAH it him in the face aah.

Those were heady days.

Fuck i hate that term. It's bullshit.

I'm updating finally it seems. Again there has been external goings-on preventing me from posting on here for so long. What a bitch.

Last week was the traditional six-monthly JB megahaul. It was epic. I got 19 CDs and 2 DVDs.

For all the no doubt SUPER INTERESTED parties, the 19 I got were:

1. The one with the crazy guy.
2. The one with the letters.
3. One I forgot.
4. The racist one.
5. The SUPER HOT GUY one.
6. The one with the naked women (not really)
7. Can a CD even cost $4 wtf man. Get out. (BOO)
8. The one with the juicy prime minister.
9. The one by that guy who did that song.
10. The FUCKIN BROKEN ONE FUCK
11. The dying one.
12. The one that's better than Sgt Peppers.
13. The nice one (aaaaaahaha you're all gonna try and decrypt this one.)
14. The mildly pleasingly content one.
15. The butthead one.
16. The redundant one (wtf other type can you have. Im going to draw on your mind)
17. The one with the bad hairdo.
18. The one with the three bad hairdos.
19. MOOOOOTHEEEEEEERRRR OOOOOOOH. (You see that could actually be two of my set, crazy Jim)

As you can plainly see, I have no material (either for this update or in physical form.)

So here's some pictures.


I'm so stealing all Dave's pictures and likenesses here. It's like our musical career except Dave's pictures are good.

"Massive call. Massive call..............Massive call." - That loquacious Fox Sports guy on my claim that that album I said is better than Sgt Peppers is better than Sgt Peppers.

What a great week and a half.

I was at Nazza's house for 3 days (and probably some nights.)

We watched Bladerunner.

It was grand.

And at the loft there was MARK and BLIGH!!!!!!!!!!

He was in the recording studio, and we saw him, and we heard his eclectic creations. There was many overdubbed Bligh harmonies. It was like a giant screaming orgasm of 100 Blighs.

Then we went to SAVE THE LOFT. Basically the mayor is a douche, Aaron Buman takes it in his gaping vagina every day and CARLIN is awesome. We saved the place for another two years, but it was still bullcrap. And I didn't score any pussy. Who the hell can't score a hippyhoe at an anti-establishment protest. I can understand if Tim Chaston didn't get any at an internet protest. I mean...it's the internet. Besides he probably did, because he's just that hot.

I shook Bligh, Carlin and Mark's hands within a 24 hour period. It is distressing because I want to not touch anything with my hand ever again and wipe off their goldengerms, but I really want to touch myself (although it would mean their germs would be on the thing I desire them to be on most.)

I hope Aaron Buman sues me for libel.

Here's a picture of Aaron Buman.


For those of you expecting a joke picture there, sorry. That's actually him, he just looks that douchey.

But it was OK coz straight after the council meeting we went to THE MOVIES to see Bladerunner 2.

It was pretty shit awful but i got to see SCOTT and CHRISTIAN BALE and their respective epic beards. And Sam is going to Europe meaning he's safe for a few weeks. So what a fulfilling night.

"Man my MSN is failing.
Well done MSN guy.
Fred.
Or whatever arbitrary human mascot title MSN has.
Like Myspace Tom
Or Trivia Bob.
Or Gay rights movement Sam."

Fuck me, a talking armadillo

Apparently there's a pole dancer called Terri Hosford.

What a bitch.

That hoe means that any fantastic hu(man) being looking for my epic musings on such resources as Google, Yahoo or StrippersDatabaseCentral, will instead find pictures of some bullshit stripper with a man's name and genitals.

I'm gonna stab that bitch.

And not with my penis like a Chaston.

"Woolmer said it was South Africa's finest fielding display so far. ``It's the best since I have been in charge,'' he said. ``It was close to awesome.''

That quote was in relation to the 1996 World Cup. Obviously can't be recent as that guy is close to dead.

Trent Barrett has been picked to play as part of our fresh young new Origin team. Here's a picture of Trent Barrett looking like a douche.


Here's another picture of Trent Barrett in his natural environment.


Man i hate Trent Barrett.

The newsreaders keep saying "31 year old Trent Barrett has been given an origin recal' to emphasize his age as the exasperating factor in his selection. It makes me angry coz age is irrelevant. Anyone of that age or beyond could easily perform at that level. What people should be emphasizing is that "huge giant douche Trent Barrett has been picked for an origin recall."

'BAH AWAY FUCK YOUR ADULT'

New Zealand are so awful at cricket. Words can't describe how faggyshit every person from New Zealand who isn't Daniel Vettori is at every form of the game. Now they've got awful new jerseys.


What the crap is that even a tangible colour. I thought it inherently impossible that any nation who wasn't Finland could exude such pugnant waves of boringness visibly through matter. I specifically chose a picture of Brendon McCullum too coz Brendon McCullum is the world's greatest wanker. If i walked past him in the street I'd get putrid green wool-laden Tony-Danza scented semen all over my face. Then I'd kick him in the nuts. Look at his big gay face.

"PIERCE BROSNAN IS NOT RELATED TO KEYTARS OR THE BUGGLES IN ANY WAY."

There was an ad about INVISILIFTS at uni. It was the single hottest thing I've ever seen. They advertised that if you got 20 you would get 10 more free and I decided I'd get some then find a way to use them as bargaining chips and result in having massive sweet sex with 15 hot babes. But when I ordered them they thought I was getting them for myself. Hence the quote "are you retarded you need more than 30." It was tits.

"Maybe thrusted is too strong a word. I put my crotch on his face."

"Who here knows Elvis Costello."
"Was he a part of Abbott and Costello?"

What a cardboard character.

Here's another picture for no reason just because I am a thousand words short of my minimum limit.


Man I've never wanted to be Bud Abbott more in my entire life than I do right now.

That's tits.

Disengage says: oooooooo
Disengage says: god ass
Disengage says: ooo
Disengage says: aargh

Party

From: JAMES HOSFORD [mailto:james_hosford@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, 3 June 2009 1:13 PM
To: Mitchell, Sam
Subject: party

Faceface, i found your work email :O

That's amazing.

My sweetass rap is on Saturday, make sure to come like a not-faggot.

I've sent the formal email to everyone (except Merry and Jared, can you tell them if you see them, eheh you won't see them.) But I dunno when and if you'll come online or check that other arbitrary social email.

When you get this as you surely well, if you haven't looked at the other email, DO IT.

That'd be tits.

From:	Mitchell, Sam (Sam.Mitchell@********)
Sent:	Wednesday, 3 June 2009 1:14:57 PM
To:	JAMES HOSFORD (james_hosford@hotmail.com)

Here I am, replying simply because I saw the phrase "That'd be tits."

Good phrase but hard to apply in a literal manner.

Lyrical musings

I will now write a song consisting only of the verification words from the last seven comments I have made anywhere in the Blogger universe on any of my many contactable friends' wide range of multifaceted blogs. Beyond this, such a lyric must be but one line, consisting of no other word than the seven aforementioned, and they must unlike a chick's insides after she gets raped by a really big black guy, be in their exact correct order.

Talistam kingfle thalitr silicat retumand splecat oushpo.



That's sweet.

"Do you want to spank me?"

Holy McFucknuggets IT IS ME!

I have returned from whence-I-came.

It was a shit place.

I have been absent these weeks first so as to complete my manly university assignments, then have my manly "random gathering of heterosexual men for games of a non-homosexual variety which isn't a party" birthday gathering, then because i had manly diarrhoea. Two of those three adjectives referred to virile male sexuality and one referred to that shit footy team, match them up.

Now I can regale all the recent highlights and lores.

Uni was worth it, I aced my blog, apparently I got 48/50 which seems remarkable but then Uni marking standards make about as much sense as fiodgh;awdgo;e;a;GF;FPOOaiygfig.

Here is our blog. It also has Brickman. If you're wondering why everything you first see is posted by him, it's because he's lazy and had made about two posts in the actual month we were sposed to. Unless you're Marj. Then I don't know why, maybe you're going wackass or some shit.

If you're wondering why its about a shit decade...


Speaking of people who are fags and give people the finger far more often than their personality inherently grants them right to do so and were prominent in all mine and my friend's live until 2007 and now nobody gives a shit, I love Dave.

Dave is a genius.

I wish crazyfatfaceweedmanfossilizedbob Dave would turd him back out his oft-pummelled rectum-hole.

Read his genius back at the good old Freud.

http://www.geocities.com/pink_Freud05/

For those of you of the woman faith who are all 'what is that all, that's bullcrap?', click on the 'Previous articles' link you slutty hoebitch.

Brickman's on that site too. He's the blue one. Because light and vaguely aquaesque blue is always associable with New Zealand.

Man this post is nasty, I'd better reassure myself that i'm still a fundamentally brilliant human being.

I have cancer.

I'm going to die soon.

My realistic wish is simply to eat a pie.

That makes me a better person than every single other dying cancerous dickwad.

That's what i'm talking about. I hope someone reads this and cries so I can replenish my nutritional sodium intake. Oh man, they need to make a chocolate milk pie. That'd be totally whack and illin'.

Check back here tomorrow to experience the second funniest email I've gotten in the past fortnight.

BILL MURRAY, COMEDY LEGEND!

Finally Part 2 is here.

It's not even this week anymore.

And I haven't done my pre-update research.

But I'm gonna be awesome anyway.

THIS WEEK WITH THE ECHOES OF SUPPER WITH GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS' ASPIC TONGUE PART 2

"Fuck I stabbed myself in the face with my straw."
"Why don't you just use your glass...like Greg Bird"

I just got back from the SYMPHONY. It was great, and gave me a self-satisfied feeling of cultural superiority. What a good fortnight it's been for some of us. Unlike Nazza, he got smashed at trivia. I got smashed last week though, Hudson stole my fuckin wedgevoucher.

I hate Hudson.

I'm gonna stab him in the head.

"Man Jamie Lyon, why don't you just make love to the kicking tee."

Last week was so epic, there's still more to come this long later. I'm so screwing myself here by mentioning that and laying down an obligation to follow through with it so as not to fundamentally disenfranchise my loyal and sizeable readership. Last week has not yet reached it's full conclusion yet, as I am unaware as to whether or not Sam has in fact got his burger on, or indeed ever had it off to begin with. Also apparently you can't imply Bob Dylanness through text.

"Aah i hate that guy" - Ben on Tracy Chapman

For some reason the political world has been far more hilarious than usual this week.
In order of their chronological happening, such highlights have included:

* Malcolm Turnbull comparing Kevin Rudd to Paris Hilton.
* Kevin Rudd doing a dance and eating shit from out of his ear during the budget.
* John Howard pulling an old man Cheney by coming out and spending an entire interview highlighting why he was great and his successors fail at life.
* John Howard's eyebrows.

John Howard said "We're living a quiet life in the 'burbs."

Is that even a word.

Fuck I hate John Howard.

If he was still PM I'd be arrested within seconds of this post because of the nationwide internet sensors detecting my treasonous libel.

Just in case they missed it thought I'll make sure of it now through this pictorial tribute to our most recent leader.

















I hate you John Howard.

I had sex with your mother.

Unlike that newsreader. She was awesome. She said "former PM John Howard has slammed the rad government."

The only thing that matches the political awesomeness of recent times is the epicness of my Creative Writing teacher. He likes Blade Runner, and Clockwork Orange, and he quoted a Pink Floyd song in an email.

"Oh my god Bob, NO NO NO!!!" - Creative Writing Teacher's formal critique of a classmate's work.

"Ted Hughes, what's with him, I hate that guy."

In short, Sylvia Plath was a crazy emo bitch, but she was awesome.

And she had an Electra Complex, meaning she probably shat on Ted Hughes' chest.

What a bitch.

"Woah it's Neil Patrick Harris"
"I love Neil Patrick Harris."
"I love him so much."
"He's the greatest man ever."
"He's so great."
"I'm Awesome" - Neil Patrick Harris
"WELL SAID."

"She took a dump on his chest"

This week was great. So great I'm going to sum it up in TWO updates.

THIS WEEK WITH GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS PART 1: THE BOOK OF MEMORY

Nazza told Sam to get his burger on. It is his crowning achievement in life.

The only thing that could possibly usurp such a thing would be winning trivia.

"Ooh nazza is that guy I hate, what an annoying man, i think ill go touch my hair now." - Trivia Bob

Does Trivia Bob even have hair?
I can't remember.

My trivia joke was great. I can't believe it didn't get read out. It was misogynistic and musical, all the requirements of something that succeeds at life.

"Why did the girl break her G-string?...COZ WOMEN CAN'T PLAY THE GUITAR AAAAAHAH"

COMEDY GOLD.

Apparently Levi's voice sounds like a shipyard horn on the phone. Next time I hear a shipyard horn I'm gonna be all 'HO DUDE, LEVI'S AT KOTARA LETS GO'

"Woah the library is talking to me?"
"Is it saying "feed me...i need papers...PAPERS""

Indoor Soccer was pretty sweet this week. We only got beat 15-0 and we got to play against this team that failed at life afterwards coz they didn't show up in time for their game. It was annoying though, my greatest save ever came before the game even started. Leviticus put forth a beautiful curling shot full of venom and ZEST and i acted quickly, moving my exposed genitals (in an unprotected sense not a naked sense) directly into the path of the ball.

"Ok i did not search 'naked bea arthur.' Why is there a picture of her rack."

Hudson was being a douche at trivia. I wanted to stab him in his fat head.

After trivia was great though. I gave everyone judgements of how awesome they were, through the medium of analogizing man as musical album in compact disc form:

Leviticus: "Deluxe Edition box set - full of previously unheard rarities"
Tim Licciardelloton: "Double album across two cds with bonus tracks"
Nazza: "Burnt cd from a friend"
Sam: "Jet's debut album"

"They've raised the Swine flu threat level to phase five."
"Who have?"
"That's right."

And now to close with a print-screened image of some of the latest news headlines. You'll need to click on it.



IT'S A COMEDY OF ERRORS!!!

"I can't stand it" - Sam

"dis movie gnna suck mcgonagalz balls"

This is to be a QUOTETASTIC post.

I can't be bothered anything creative. I'm too devastated at being 1 of 2 people who go JOHN ADAMS right.

TWO PEOPLE.

JOHN ADAMS WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO LIVE IN THE WHITEHOUSE. ITS PRETTY OBVIOUS REALLY. BUT 100 PEOPLE COULDNT GET IT RIGHT AND LESSEN MY PAIN.

I'm gonna stab Paul Giamatti for coming to trivia just to deliberately screw me over.
I'm going to shave off his sideburns then play bowls with his haughty round self.


"People think i'm fuckin weird" - Spinks

"It was the recession we had to have"
"Well it is irresistibly tasty"

"I saw Jon Voight on heat"

"Brisbane. Where the beer is warm."

"Ellen Degeneres has enough wet spots on her already."

"Two people in the world are crap"

I had another quote here which was from a YOUTUBE COMMENT but i can't find the video so screw its spinksterhole. Also why is YOUTUBE still apparently a misspelled word?

"Stop grinding chocolate into my paper"

"If its merciless rationalism doesn't enrage you at some point, you probably aren't alive." - Some guy reviewing THE GOD DELUSION.

That's it I think.

Until next time.
SAVE FERRIS

"I'm gonna watch the West Wing just to hear the theme song and bask in it's themey goodness."

There's a hot babe on my tv.

Wait now it's Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

That's sexy.

Watch this video. It's amazing.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/231570006e/magma-misheard-lyrics-philosophy-war-from-kleistgeistzeit

It is not only hilarious. But it is the greatest and most culturally advanced music ever made. It is better than your music. It is better than you. Magma will educate you.

And it has CONTEMPORARY PHILOSOPHY!!!

"Foxtel doesn't do drugs."

Apparently my brother wants to have sex with the girl on Drake & Josh.

That's cool she's pretty hot.

We (and mum, without whom it seems quite strange as we are visiting a family friend) visited a family friend last week.

Man that sentence was backwards.

We went to the house for the daughter's 20th birthday party.

There was lots of heterosexuality challenged women there. It was really scary.

It seems that this guy I really hate got thrown onto the train tracks. Max 'fatty fat fat fat" Quist was out with his aforeunmentioned woman and he got into a fight with some dudes at Wickham station coz he'd been drinking more than a Sam. They beat the shit out of him and threw him on the train tracks where he was too inebriated to clamber back up. All the trains had to be stopped.

"Never go out at night if you're fat and really crap." - Aesop on that night.

The only other story as funny as Max getting massively train-smashed was the story of the old lady who got a new computer which had a smaller floppy drive back in the 90s, so she folded her floppy disk to make it fit.

Similarly in terms of jocularious regalitude was mum's tale about some guy who rang his computer people many years ago with unconnected mouse in hand to ask what the foot pedal was for?

"If i ever get a bowling ball I'm gonna name it Gordon Tallis."

Just after dinner one of the bitches at the party invited this guy she knew over and he came with three mates. They looked really crap and I kept wanting to stab them with my kebab stick. Then suddenly I heard one of them say 'Frank Zappa'. Needless to say it was the fat one. It was the greatest moment of my entire life.

Then later on the lesbians and their platonic manfriends went off to steal a street sign. Some of the girls had done it before, bringing home a local 'Wisteria Lane', and this time they looked to conquer a sign they failed to grasp last time because of their lack of height. The sign was for Short Street.

We were expecting a sign, and a few worn out dirty girls. We got an entire streetsign pole, and a collection of grazes and cuts covering all their supple if masculine bodies.

"What was Napoleon's first name?"
"Napoleon."
"What...Napoleon Napoleon?"

By midnight two girls were passed out and one was throwing up. And yet still I returned home with my pants unstained. I'm not sure whether to blame the fact that my mum was there, or that I was dealing with a bunch of vaginalickers.

"Yes I had warts on my penis"

It's about time I posted.

It's April so we're inevitably in a boring phase of nothing interesting happening. Clearly Levi agrees and feels as if he needs to spice things up.

Sam says:
i am not the "big red one"!

Ben was looking at the yellow pages and he suddenly went "Wow look they named a place after Sam, Little Redhead Point."

I saw the Who two weeks ago. They were sweet. This massively elderly bitch got superpissed and tripped over right in front of us. I laughed out loud before I could stop myself and she was all looking around to see who laughed. It was great.

The concert was epic. They played everything I wanted them to play and near the end I was all jumping up and down like a gay fag and Sam was not completely motionless and robotic.

My mum asked me to get a photo of Sam's dad so we could show everyone he looked like John Brumby.

"I have had entirely too much Hudson this week"

"Newcastle is weird." I love Tim Chaston.

Trivia's so great. We've dominated for three weeks in a row now, irrespective of the fact that Levidicus ruined it for everybody last week by being a faggy lapdog. I was annoyed because my joke didn't get read out. It was "How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb....NONE THEY DON'T FIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAH."

It's better than "St George won 11 premierships in a row with 1 raper, how many are the Bulldogs going to win?" and the one I stole off the duckbitch. And they both got read out.

"Heh 'Biden Warns Israel Not to Attack Iran.'
They're not gonna do it now."
Biden's just that good.
They were all, 'lets eat icecream instead.'"

This guy came around saying we'd get an easter egg if we filled in some survey about the true meaning of easter. There was free chocolate involved so I did it. I said my name was Jimmy Smitsford and my email was 'jimmy_smites_jews@gmail.com." I hope some anti-semite called Jimmy actually has that email and gets messages from the religious guy saying how he's an evil man and he's all 'dude screw you i fucked ya mum' in reply. Then the religious dude is all 'how could you cheat on me with that jew-hater mum.' Coz theyre a religious family. Religious people do that sort of thing.

"Man the Bass Guitar is clearly the greatest instrument ever invented by man."
"Yeah.
...
Except when Roger Waters is playing it.
...
...
and Sam."

"When i got home i had to get the Hudson smell off me."

Nazza got his bad stats joke read out. It was great. I knew I'd a free meal coz Nazza doesn't eat food. Egg spend the rest of the day trying to get him to eat a wedge, and then Scott got my strawberry milk on him.

Sorry no dogs, no fags, no shriners and no amputees. says:
PUMPED FOR TOMORROW'S FOOTBALL
GREAT SHAME HAS BEEN BROUGHT UPON OUR TRIVIA TABLE says:
I HOPE THE BALL IS LOLOLOL

I double dipped in the wedge sauce.

THE BEES! THE BEES ARE STINGING MY FACE!

Yeah.

It's painful.

I'm wearing a WICCA CHAIR on my face.

We won trivia again.

But we got robbed by the fat shit.

Jed Dickson is a massive homo

"Believe in something, even if it's wrong"

Those Sound relief concerts were on last week.

Except it wasn't really last week.

I'm just slow.

They were hilarious because Channel V's presenters were faggy and i wanted to stab them in the wang. But Iva Davies had a DARK SIDE SHIRT, it was amazing. Most of the people were crap, but Split Enz were great.

"WHY IS THIS MAN STLL LIVING" - Ben on that annoying bald faggot in the Hoodoo Gurus.

It was Ben's birthday last week. We went down by the water for a birthday dinner and this faggy kid playing on a skateboard ran into a pole and stacked it. It was great.

Then there was these old ladies close by and Ben was all "look at those old ladies" far too loud and Mum was "shh keep it down, don't be rude!" So Ben went "they're old, they can't hear properly" even louder.

"They should give Obama The Nobel Prize for Evil"

Trivia was sweet yesterday. We all cheated and were joint winners, and then the faggy bar ran out of wedges so we had to eat cold chips. I was massively pissed. And then some faggot broke my pen. What a crap day.

"Fat Actually Makes You Thin, Renowned Science Writer Says‏"
"that's great"
"flammable means inflammable? what a country"

Scott invited me to be in the weekly gay orgy. I'm the midfielder so I'll have to both give it and be penetrated anally.

"That violates thermodynamics"
"How does it violate thermodynamics"
...
...
"Anally"

Scott broke Tim Chaston's paper. It reminded me of that time...THE BALL HIT HIM IN THE FACE AAAAHAHAHAHAH

I have finally found the long-awaited prestigious first Auslan sign which could double as a visual masturbation euphemism. It is the sign for COLOUR. Consult me for details.

"It's my birthday so i'm meant to be excited but I'm just pissed."

I saw a link to tihs article about Alan Jones before, and when I clicked on it this massive gorilla face came up next to the text. That's pretty appropriate.

Alan Jones goes 'FUCK YOU" every morning when he's cutting his banana to put on his gay flakes cereal.

"Malfoy survives, gets married and has a kid. I forgot what his kid's name was. It was something really stupid and gay."
"Was it SAM?"

Watch this video. It's hardcore and hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPWjNX4PBlI


WICCA CHAIR!!!!!

God ain't a guitar

YEAAAAAAAAAH I SMASHED THE TRIVIA I'M GREAT.

I'M FANTASTIC.

We had trivia last week.

And i'll never get to do it again.

That's pretty crap.

But I knew that Automatic For The People was REM's iconic album and Tuesday Night Music Club was the Kevin Gilbert album that bitch got all the credit for in 94 (what a shit year, i mean Canberra won the grand final, and they come from a shit state and/or territory).

So I got officially rewarded for being massively gay. First time that's happened since Mr Grogan said "Alexander Spinks" in the graduation ceremony.

My award was a $7 meal voucher so I could buy a $3 meal for free.

I got fish and chips.

And tartate sauce.

That was a bigass fish.

"Imagine theres no Wakeman, it's easy if you try, just some guy with a ukelele."

The other day on the way home Mum was pissed off and she got into a sweet catfight with this Tronno bitch over a hire car. Neither party could afford the dignity of fighting over a Taxi.

"The baptism water is causing my headaches whenever I blaspheme."

The teacher in Auslan last week kept talking (using sign, we're not allowed to speak like unhandicapped not-retarded people) about how we have to use mime and gesture and lots of pointing. And she kept pointing her fingers everywhere and moving around. I laughed and wished she was going all 'I'M POINTIN MA FINGERS.'

Then she'd be a bad actor like Mick Jagger.

She's probably a bad actor already though. She studies Linguistics.

Then I saw JAMES MERRY!!! on my mid-class break and he was all 'DUDE YOU MENTIONED ME ON YOUR BLOG' except without the capitalisation (or any text actually he spoke) and without the haphazardly stereotyped modern post-teen male cliche.

And with more height.

Then I was all 'YEAH THAT'S GREAT, I'VE GOT TO WRITE ABOUT THAT ON THE BLOG, THEN IT'D BE A META-BLOG, AND NOW I'VE DONE IT, SO NOW IT IS!' except not all at that time coz I can't post this post that fast and that was a week ago and today it's today.

YEAH IT'S A METABLOG. I broke the fourth wall.



This is now a Blog Noir.

wanna know my INSTRUTITKlEES

It's been a while since my last dance. My internet died. I spent 2 hours on the phone with an Indian guy today to no yield whatsoever, only to have it randomly fix itself.

"There was no toilet paper like at 3pm today.
And mum went down the road about 3 times.
And i still dont see any toilet paper replacement."

Yesterday at Uni was epic and amazing. First I got to share photos of young version me around. This random old guy was all 'eeh that's so cute' at a picture of me when i was 4. I wished he'd followed it up with 'I love the young people" but he didn't. Fag.

"I can hear someone playing 'pokerface' in the background....
I'D SURE LIKE TO POKE HER FACE."
...
...
"with a....BIG NIFE"
...
...
...
"if the knife is MY PENIS"

Nazza finally showed up for once. So we got to sit in the music class and be great and laugh at the fat gay coldplaymariahcarey guy. The teacher was talking about how we sometimes listen to music to deaden sounds around us and started on an epic tale of turning music up loud to drown out a 'couple next door." Only to reveal that they were in fact 'washing the dishes'. Then she spoke about the different perceptions of music and how 'Country' now implies the modern faggy country pop shit, not true great classic country music.
"That's right, those original country people were actually democrats"
...
...
...
"THATS SOME HANDY TRIVIA TO KNOW"



After class we saw The Big Red One sitting in a faraway corner. It was great. By the end of the afternoon we had a massive huge posse of sweet dudes and had smashed the trivia finale. The Other Red One MORGANYEAH came over with his friend 'That girl who is Morgan's friend' after having survived his brush with death, and they sat and reminisced upon school.

"OK I"m going to seperate you all according to how you look...Morgan go stand over there by yourself" - Mr Vaughan

Morgan's friend told hilarious stories about Barqueavez and how he used to pretend to be gay to try and hide the fact that every chick hated him.

Other highlights of the lovely tales included:
* "I knew him in primary school, he always got money for lunch but was allergic to everything on the menu"
* He didn't have any real friends so he'd pay kids to be his friends"

I'd wonder where he got the money but it was probably the cash saved by not being able to eat anything.

"Who was the only President of the United States to have been sworn in by a woman?"...."Curtin"

That was great coz I was the only one who knew it was LBJ. Crazy Sam.

On the way home today I had to change busses. And as soon as i stepped on the new bus a cacophony of loudass little school kids filled my ears. It pissed me off, my head was sore before I even reached my seat. Presumably spawned from my angry desire to inflict trauma and suffering upon these children as vengeance for my sore head, after I sat down i started softly (but audibly) singing the "I want to make love to your children" song.

"This is like taking your girlfriend out to McDonald's to celebrate your first anniversary" - Creative Writing Teacher on my poem.

What a emotional hear sounds!

Uni finally returned this past week. But it was mostly boring shit.

Except Sam's economics class.

That made it automatically the most hilarious day ever.

On Thursday night a group of us sweet peeps saw Watchmen. I had no real expectations, but as of the opening sequence (!!!!) i was amazed, and the movie made me crap my pants except in reverse with the front part not the back part. As well as making me crap my pants.

Dr Manhattan's blue song and dance number wasn't that big. The idea of it being a megawang must be a male-created conspiracy to make women and small endowed men feel that that's a good size.

When Dr Manhattan is in his giant form he jacks off with a ferris wheel.

Say that to JAMES MERRY sometime. His reaction is worth it. And it fundamentally ruins his entire childhood memory cycle.

Robert Downey Jr was great in the movie.

I also enjoyed Javier Bardem's performance.

There was a preview for the faggy new X-men movie (like the faggy old one, but with less bald Patrick-Stewart-head.) That's the second most artificial Hugh Jackman chest ive seen in the past year.

"What was wrong with the yellow guy in the wiggles?"
"He was ill"
"DID HE HAVE AIDS!?!?...*sings like Chef* "I'm gonna give aids to all you children"

The women's cricket world cup started today...



That's it there's no second punchline.

Nazza's mum had to take some crazy Vitamin C chewy tablet things which were really sour.
Bottle: "Take 4 every [whatever]"
Nazza's mum: 'FOUR !!!'
*Nazza's mum eats four*
*Everyone laughs at Nazza's mum's face*

Scott: "You wanna chip?"
Nazza: "NU I ONLY EAT PLEENKTIN"

The news was talking to the Australian women's cricket team and they showed the coach. He was a dude. I laughed.

VH1: "50 Mardi Gras anthems"
Max: "U2 vs Coldplay"
"Wow both channels are paying tribute to the Mardi Gras"

Like....tyre....or some shit

Uni goes back tomorrow (today).
So funny shit should start to flow.

"Stupid sore throat. It means I can't even do what I usually do when I'm ill and at home."

Uni's gonna be crap.
I have to buy a book by my first class.

The class is 9.
The shop opens at 9.
I hope some guy just went 'ehehe let's deliberately make the shop open too late and then sit in the trees and watch all the teenagers and old fat guys chuck a spazcock coz they either can't get to class on time or can't get their books and theyre all 'DAMN YOU MY MOLECULAR STRUCTURE FOR NOT ALLOWING ME TO BE IN 2 PLACES AT ONCE WITHOUT CAUSING A TEMPORAL PARADOX'. And touching themselves.

"I'll never feel right saying "put that on your pole"".

The Big O spoke to congress the other day. Everyone was all going on about his wife's sleeveless dress. On sky news the reader chick went "The right to bear arms has always been an issue in the United States, but first lady Michelle Obama has offered a whole new take on the argument." I immediately thought "wow that was really crap"

After his address that republican guy who looks like Dev but without the faggy stubble offered the party's response. Apparently this can be likened to "The Rolling Stones opening for Air Supply" and "Led Zeppelin being followed by nothing but a harmonica." Apparently Dave is going to tour with Zep, and noone's going to like him.

What's funny is that Bobby Jindal is black and so's Dave.

"I bet you'd hear a cornet and claim it was a flugelhorn."
"I bet you'd hear a fart and claim it was a burp."

Beardface Epicpants (Scott) linked me this before. It's great.

http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/489/1236045906372.gif

"Ahah holy crap
I was laughing so hard at that
I farted"

"What a bitch"

Yeah.

What a bitch.

"Just to clear the deck, I own no monkeys"

I was watching the cricket before, and Jacques Kallis fell down on the ground. It was so good that I laughed profusely. Jacques Kallis is a douchebag and he has a giant head. I think his centre of gravity in his neck coz his head is so massive. That must be why he always falls over.

There was also this guy with a hilarious wig on. It was great.

My brother Ben got voted Sports Captain of his house Macquarie (the same house i was captain of...but at a different school. That proves that everything at Biraban is derivative of Toronto but ultimately superior.)

Apparently this little kid came up to Ben and went "I voted for you because you look like Kevin Rudd."

One must wonder how many kids have gotten that lately because Master Rudd has a baby's head. Blonde and combed over as if by his mother. Which it probably was.

Hehe the joke there is that I think Kevin Rudd's mum is dead.

Some guy came into Ben's school. He had to wear a badge that said "authorized visitor" and then the first thing he said to the teacher who formally greeted him was "I noticed all the glockenspiels and xylophones in your room."

Not much else happened today. Coz uni's not back yet. Probably wouldn't have anyway though coz it's Friday.

Mum: We have a pet lizard in the sink at work.
Mum: His name is Larry.
Ben: How do you know it's a boy?
Mum: It must be his name is Larry
Ben: Ehehe I hope you find out it's a girl now.
Mum: What are we gonna do, lift up it's dress?
Ben: *guffaw* I get it now coz James told me about that boy and girl stuff
Mum: Thanks for that James
Me - *looks awkward*

Apparently congress was talking about whether or not they should ban interstate transportation of non-human primates today, hence the title quote. Some random guy was opposed to the bill to ban it and he felt compelled to preface his remarks with "first of all, just to clear the deck, I own no monkeys".

I think now on it should be a rule that all statements in congress must be prefaced by "first of all, just to clear the deck, I own no monkeys."(1)(2)

Ben was yelling at everyone in his function as house captain. I now call him Mr Mugabe.





(1) - The Daily Show with Jon Stewart - 27-02-09 - 35% of all financial profits and comedic kudos and/or accreditations born from those remarks to be forwarded to Jonathan Stuart, Tracey McShane, Nathan Thomas, Maggie Rose, Monkey & Shamsky Leibowitz - Inordinately undersized apartment, Big Building, Manhattan, NY, NY, USA.

(2) - 10% of aforementioned attributions to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Sex Offences Division, Officers investigating the 'Stewart Stalker Case' - J.Edgar Hoover Building, 935 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington D.C., USA.

OMG WTF IS A BLOG!!?!?!:OPOO:D:D:D!!!

Yeah. That was derivative.

This is my blog. My scatological wastebasket. My jocularious dissertation. My nefarious nomenclature. My live revue of animal parts.

You should read it. It comes highly recommended.

Ahaha my confirmation message to start this blog was 'boner'

Uni starts soon. That's when all the funny shit will start. The following is a naively presumptive list of what features can be expected once the routine of university kicks into gear:

*Seeing hilarious dudes
*Seeing remotely cool dudes in passing for a few seconds without them catching sight of you.
*Banal anecdotes originating from the mouths of such people as Scott, Tim Chaston, JAMES MERRY!!!, Levi and Tim Chaston, James Merry and Levi's funny looking friend.
*Jaredisms
*Vaguely oblivious lecturers who are unaware of their inherent seediness.
*Sam having red hair
*Seeing remotely cool dudes in passing for a few seconds before they slickly pass out of sight to avoid having to interact with you.
*Miscontextualized conversations of random eavesdropped-upon people.
*Keith Nesbitt being awesome.
*Dirk's End.
*That drunk guy.
*That old guy who always laughs at whatever the lecturer says.
*Observations on the hotness of a vast array of women ranging from 'plain' to 'average' on the spectrum of physical attractiveness.
*Phil Collins being bald
*That crazy guy with the crazy shirts who looks like Earl but with red hair and if it was the 1970's

That's about it.

All of my classes are up on blackboard with their details and course outline's and everything except the one I actually need to look at now. It's crap. What's funny about that is that Phil Collins has a bald patch and it covers his entire head.